"You think I'm overdressed? This is just my slip."
"I got a figure that just won't start."
"My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear."
"I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it."
"Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards."
"I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan."
"When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown."
"One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes."
"Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears."
It's all there, and more, in the short but hilarious clip that makes me miss Phyllis even more than she missed her mouth with her lipstick!
Copy from World best jokes
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Geology word plays
Geology word plays
Several short geology plays on words:
Okay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!
And if you are not pleased with the person's statement, you may resort to the old:
That's not gneiss!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Knock Knock joke - friend joke
Knock Knock joke - friend joke |
| Knock Knock Who's there! Alexander! Alexander who? Alexander friend are coming over! |
Thursday, August 23, 2012
World best cow jokes
Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows.
Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
Do you think it is the best jokes ever?
It comes from World best jokes.
Do you ever shoo them?
Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot.
Do you think it is the best jokes ever?
It comes from World best jokes.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Canadian wins top joke award at Edinburgh Fringe
Canadian comedian Stewart Francis has won the award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.
He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
David and Victoria Beckham have children called Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.
The winning joke was taken from Francis's current Edinburgh show, Return of the Lumberjacks, featuring fellow Canadians Craig Campbell and Glenn Wool.
A group of comedians and theatre experts picked 30 jokes from comedians performing during the Edinburgh Fringe, the world’s first and biggest fringe festival. Then voters chose their favourite jokes online.
Francis has toured extensively in North America and the U.K. and appeared on shows such as The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and Britain’s Mock the Week. He is known for his one-liners.
Francis has a second joke in the list of top 10 jokes compiled by digital TV channel Dave: "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Tim Vine, a British comedian also considered a master of the one-line joke, also has two places on the list.
The top 10 jokes:
Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad."
Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
David and Victoria Beckham have children called Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.
The winning joke was taken from Francis's current Edinburgh show, Return of the Lumberjacks, featuring fellow Canadians Craig Campbell and Glenn Wool.
A group of comedians and theatre experts picked 30 jokes from comedians performing during the Edinburgh Fringe, the world’s first and biggest fringe festival. Then voters chose their favourite jokes online.
Francis has toured extensively in North America and the U.K. and appeared on shows such as The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and Britain’s Mock the Week. He is known for his one-liners.
Francis has a second joke in the list of top 10 jokes compiled by digital TV channel Dave: "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Tim Vine, a British comedian also considered a master of the one-line joke, also has two places on the list.
The top 10 jokes:
Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad."
Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Monday, August 20, 2012
Edinburgh fringe's funniest jokes revealed
Yo mama so fat......
Copy from world best jokes: Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
Yo mama is so fat that when she went to the zoo, all the elephants said, "We are family, even if you're bigger than us."
Yo mama so fat when I drove around her I ran out of gas.
One-liner specialists Stewart Francis and Tim Vine each make two appearances in
Copy from world best jokes: Yo mama so fat that when she works out too long she starts sweating cooking oil.
Yo mama is so fat that when she went to the zoo, all the elephants said, "We are family, even if you're bigger than us."
Yo mama so fat when I drove around her I ran out of gas.
One-liner specialists Stewart Francis and Tim Vine each make two appearances in
Canadian comedian Stewart Francis picked up the Dave award for a joke lampooning the Beckhams' choices of children's names.
Take a seat and brace yourself – here is the funniest joke from this year's Edinburgh festival fringe, courtesy of comedian Stewart Francis: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
Of course, comedy is subjective, so if that didn't have your sides splitting, try out the gag judged the second funniest this year, from Tim Vine: "Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly."
The two gags top a poll at the fringe now in its fifth year. Francis, the Canadian one-liner comic, picked up 20% of the votes to win the fifth annual Dave award for the funniest joke of the fringe. About 3,000 people voted for the joke, choosing from 30 which had been gathered by a panel of comedy critics and writers.
It was one of two jokes from Francis, a frequent panellist on BBC2's Mock the Week, who also came eighth with: "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
Francis said of his win: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable Player, and now this … thank you, Dave."
The joke is taken from his show at the Assembly Rooms, called Return of the Lumberjacks, in which he is reunited with fellow Canadian comics Craig Campbell and Glenn Wool, 15 years after they made their Edinburgh debut together.
Vine – who was also runner-up last year but won in 2010 for his line "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" – also came sixth this year for "I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze."
Previous winners of the award include Zoe Lyons in its inaugural year with an Amy Winehouse joke, Dan Antopolski in 2009 for "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?" and last year's winner Nick Helm for "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
A day a joke_Clinton Jokes
President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full." "Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs." "Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!" "Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir." "Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary." The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."
If you like it, please recommand it to your friends. It's good sharing your fun. It comes from world best jokes.
Signs that kids are too busy
Sooner or later, kids who are too busy will begin to show signs. Every child is different, but overscheduled kids may:
• feel tired, anxious, or depressed
• complain of headaches and stomachaches, which may be due to stress, missed meals, or lack of sleep
• fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
Overscheduling can also take a toll on kids' friendships and social lives. Family life also can suffer — when one parent is driving to basketball practice and the other is carpooling to dance class, meals are missed. As a result, some families rarely eat dinner together, and may not take the extra time to stay connected.
Plus, the weekly grind of driving kids all over the place and getting to one class, game, or practice after another can be downright tiresome and stressful for parents.
• feel tired, anxious, or depressed
• complain of headaches and stomachaches, which may be due to stress, missed meals, or lack of sleep
• fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
Overscheduling can also take a toll on kids' friendships and social lives. Family life also can suffer — when one parent is driving to basketball practice and the other is carpooling to dance class, meals are missed. As a result, some families rarely eat dinner together, and may not take the extra time to stay connected.
Plus, the weekly grind of driving kids all over the place and getting to one class, game, or practice after another can be downright tiresome and stressful for parents.
Why Are Kids So Busy?
For some families, kids may be driving the schedule because they don't want to feel left out. Teens may feel pressure to boost their roster of activities to get into the college of their choice.
Some parents feel it's more productive to keep their kids constantly occupied rather leave free time for playing, exploring, and learning on their own. They might also feel that their kids will miss out on key experiences if they aren't doing what other kids are.
But most parents usually just want what seems best for their kids. Even when intentions are good, though, kids can easily become overscheduled. The pressure to participate in a handful of activities all the time and to "keep up" can be physically and emotionally exhausting for parents and kids alike.
Of course, organized activities and sports are beneficial, too. They foster social skills and are opportunities for play and exercise. They teach sportsmanship, self-discipline, and conflict resolution. Most of all, they're fun! The key is to keep them that way and ensure that kids — and parents — aren't overwhelmed.
Some parents feel it's more productive to keep their kids constantly occupied rather leave free time for playing, exploring, and learning on their own. They might also feel that their kids will miss out on key experiences if they aren't doing what other kids are.
But most parents usually just want what seems best for their kids. Even when intentions are good, though, kids can easily become overscheduled. The pressure to participate in a handful of activities all the time and to "keep up" can be physically and emotionally exhausting for parents and kids alike.
Of course, organized activities and sports are beneficial, too. They foster social skills and are opportunities for play and exercise. They teach sportsmanship, self-discipline, and conflict resolution. Most of all, they're fun! The key is to keep them that way and ensure that kids — and parents — aren't overwhelmed.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Create Your Own Superhero
Old magazines are a perfect place to look when you create your own superhero.
Gather sales papers, catalogs, magazines, newspapers and junk mail to create your own superhero. While flipping through the pages, have your child choose a person, creature or inanimate object to be his superhero. Cut out the new superhero.
Help your child pick various clothes and other accessories from more pages. Cut them out. Glue each item onto the superhero. Glue the finished superhero onto a popsicle stick.
Be creative with your new superhero. A wacky mom superhero from a clothing catalog might be holding a piece of ham from the grocery store sales paper while surfing on an oversized bar of soap from a magazine ad. This activity is a fun one to repeat until you have a complete collection of superheroes.
Gather sales papers, catalogs, magazines, newspapers and junk mail to create your own superhero. While flipping through the pages, have your child choose a person, creature or inanimate object to be his superhero. Cut out the new superhero.
Help your child pick various clothes and other accessories from more pages. Cut them out. Glue each item onto the superhero. Glue the finished superhero onto a popsicle stick.
Be creative with your new superhero. A wacky mom superhero from a clothing catalog might be holding a piece of ham from the grocery store sales paper while surfing on an oversized bar of soap from a magazine ad. This activity is a fun one to repeat until you have a complete collection of superheroes.
Today's baby joke for you
A Day a Joke
Silently, she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by his unusual display of deep emotions, she felt her eyes grow moist.
She slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear lovingly.
"It's amazing," he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95!
Yet Another One In the backwoods of Canada in a shack with no electricity, a man's wife went into labour in the middle of the night. The local doctor was summoned to help with the delivery.
The doctor gave the nervous father-to-be a lantern to hold, partly to keep him occupied and partly so that he could see what he was doing.
After a few minutes, a baby boy was born and the husband put down the lantern to hold her.
"Don't put that lantern down just yet," said the doctor. "I think there's another one on the way."
Shortly afterwards, a baby daughter was born and the husband put down the lantern to hold her.
"Don't put the lantern down yet," said the doctor. "I think there may be another one still to come."
Sure enough, a few minutes later, another baby girl was born.
The father scratched his head and said to the doctor: "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?
Do you like them? They are from world best jokes http://www.worldbestjokes.com/
Friday, August 10, 2012
10 great outdoor activities
Today, I found some great outdoor activities for kids. I am sure that you are familiar to most of them. They are great games forever. In my opinion, kids should play outdoors. It's good for them. Believe me, there are a lot of fun. Of course, if the weather isn't suitable for outdoor games, you can try these indoor games.
1.Swing the Statue
A favorite game of the fifties and sixties, Swing the Statue will still be enjoyed by children today. It's fun to try to hold a pose, but even more fun to watch others in their strange positions.
2. Sneaky Sprinkler
Kids and water are a dynamite duo. Put the kids in their swimsuits or old clothes, and let the good times begin. You never know when that Sneaky Sprinkler is going to go off!
3. Horse Basketball
If there's a basketball goal and basketball in the vicinity, you have everything you need for a game of Horse. A game of shooting skill, Horse is fun for young and old.
4. Red Light, Green Light
Kids of all ages can enjoy Red Light, Green Light, a classic kids game that is played all over the globe, in slightly different variations.
5. Shadowing
A tracking game played by Boy Scouts for many years, Shadowing can be played by groups both large and small. Powers of observation are important for successful shadowing.
6. Hide-and-Seek
Who doesn't know how to play hide-and-seek? Ah, but have you ever played Chain Hide-and-Seek or Sardines? Why be content with the classic kids game when you can give it a new twist?
7. Capture the Flag
Although it's probably been played for a century, Capture the Flag is still a favorite at camp and family reunions. For an updated version, play it with Nerf guns.
8. Red Rover
There's hardly an adult alive who doesn't have fond memories of playing Red Rover. Although banned in some areas for being too rough, with proper supervision Red Rover can still supply hours of fun.
9. Kickball
A playground ball, an open space, and eight or more kids, and you have the makings of a classic neighborhood game of kickball. All ages can play, with a few accommodations, and the neighborhood windows are safe.
10. Hopscotch
Hopscotch may be the oldest of these classic kids outdoor games, as tradition has it that Roman soldiers played it in ancient Britain. Medieval hopscotch courts could be a hundred feet long, but a lot of fun can be had with a course a tenth of that.
1.Swing the Statue
A favorite game of the fifties and sixties, Swing the Statue will still be enjoyed by children today. It's fun to try to hold a pose, but even more fun to watch others in their strange positions.
2. Sneaky Sprinkler
Kids and water are a dynamite duo. Put the kids in their swimsuits or old clothes, and let the good times begin. You never know when that Sneaky Sprinkler is going to go off!
3. Horse Basketball
If there's a basketball goal and basketball in the vicinity, you have everything you need for a game of Horse. A game of shooting skill, Horse is fun for young and old.
4. Red Light, Green Light
Kids of all ages can enjoy Red Light, Green Light, a classic kids game that is played all over the globe, in slightly different variations.
5. Shadowing
A tracking game played by Boy Scouts for many years, Shadowing can be played by groups both large and small. Powers of observation are important for successful shadowing.
6. Hide-and-Seek
Who doesn't know how to play hide-and-seek? Ah, but have you ever played Chain Hide-and-Seek or Sardines? Why be content with the classic kids game when you can give it a new twist?
7. Capture the Flag
Although it's probably been played for a century, Capture the Flag is still a favorite at camp and family reunions. For an updated version, play it with Nerf guns.
8. Red Rover
There's hardly an adult alive who doesn't have fond memories of playing Red Rover. Although banned in some areas for being too rough, with proper supervision Red Rover can still supply hours of fun.
9. Kickball
A playground ball, an open space, and eight or more kids, and you have the makings of a classic neighborhood game of kickball. All ages can play, with a few accommodations, and the neighborhood windows are safe.
10. Hopscotch
Hopscotch may be the oldest of these classic kids outdoor games, as tradition has it that Roman soldiers played it in ancient Britain. Medieval hopscotch courts could be a hundred feet long, but a lot of fun can be had with a course a tenth of that.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
10 great indoor games for kids
Kids may feel bored sometimes at home, so you should have some ideas about playing with them when at home. And here's list about things that will please kids.
Here are 10 great indoor games for kids:
1. Build the tallest card tower you can.
2. Get out all the stuffed animals and turn you living room into a zoo, complete with admission tickets and treats.
3. Make the neatest dominoes track and let the littlest child push the first domino to see it all fall down.
4. Write a newsletter about what you families doing and send it to all your relatives.
5. Learn some silly songs together.
6. Read to them.
7. Put on a play and video tape it.
8. Spend a day cooking dainty treats and several kinds of tea. Invite the neighbors in for a formal tea party.
9. Build a Barbie mall with your daughters.
10. Build a car town with your sons.
Here are 10 great indoor games for kids:
1. Build the tallest card tower you can.
2. Get out all the stuffed animals and turn you living room into a zoo, complete with admission tickets and treats.
3. Make the neatest dominoes track and let the littlest child push the first domino to see it all fall down.
4. Write a newsletter about what you families doing and send it to all your relatives.
5. Learn some silly songs together.
6. Read to them.
7. Put on a play and video tape it.
8. Spend a day cooking dainty treats and several kinds of tea. Invite the neighbors in for a formal tea party.
9. Build a Barbie mall with your daughters.
10. Build a car town with your sons.
Bad dog joke
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.
The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".
The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him.
I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass"!
From: World best jokes
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